You'll Never Just Be
by kohee
Summary: Amaro makes a brief reappearance into their lives, and Carisi wonders about Amaro being "Nick" to Amanda, whereas he is "Carisi." Carisi/Rollins, past Amaro/Rollins, side (and slight) Barba/Benson
one-shot; prompt: _is there a point?_ _
_pairing: dominick "sonny" carisi jr/amanda rollins, past nick amaro/amanda rollins, slight mention of rafael barba/olivia benson  
word count: 1460 words  
prompt from alloftheprompts [tumblr]; prompt set #757

 _begin_

Carisi is feeling slightly… _off_.

He takes a small sip of his beer as he watches the laughing faces around him, everyone sharing the updates to their lives to an old friend.

The Lieutenant looks cheerful as she relays Noah's latest milestone, however, Carisi notices she does not say anything regarding the newest development in her personal life. Nevertheless, he thinks it is rather obvious, the way she rests her hand on Barba's arm at random intervals.

Barba, on the other hand, has that perpetual scowl on his face that always seems to be present whenever Nick Amaro is within his vicinity, but his eyes are soft whenever he looks at the Lieutenant, and that has to be a dead giveaway.

Fin is sharing stories of his son, and how he and his husband are beginning the process of adoption. And he doesn't say it, but Carisi knows the thought of being a grandfather is somewhat welcoming to Fin.

Carisi himself has nothing much to say – he doesn't know Amaro too well, doesn't feel like he has anything to share, and besides, he is much too fixated on Amanda.

Amanda's eyes are bright, and she is smiling in a way that he rarely sees. She is looking especially beautiful tonight, Carisi thinks, and he wonders if the dress that she is wearing is new, if she had made that extra effort for Amaro.

That thought makes him feel a little funny inside.

He watches as Amanda flips through photos of Jesse on her phone, Amaro grinning and nodding as he listens to her anecdotes about the funny things Jesse does, his head close to Amanda's, their shoulders almost touching. Amanda talks about Jesse "meeting Uncle Nick" – and the funny feeling inside him intensifies.

After all, he is not "Uncle Sonny" or "Uncle Dominick", he is "Uncle Carisi".

Suddenly annoyed at himself, Carisi downs his beer, and signals for another, and tries to switch his attention to the conversation around him.

He recalls the time he walked in on them in that perverted producer's tent. He recalls all those looks between them. He recalls Amanda telling him Jesse is "not Nick's".

Clearly, Amanda and Amaro had a history. This is normal. Way beyond normal. And it is none of his business, really.

* * *

Amaro hugs Fin goodbye, and then the Lieutenant. Barba gives him a glare – clearly not appreciating Amaro's earlier comment-slash-threat of "don't fuck this up, or I'll punch you" – but he shakes Amaro's hand grudgingly. Amanda is next, and she gives Amaro a long hug, and as they draw apart, Amaro drops a kiss on her cheek, promising to meet Jesse the next time he is in New York.

Carisi is last, and he approaches Amaro with an extended hand, hoping his smile isn't forceful, but natural. Amaro gives his hand a firm shake, and meets his eye.

"Good to see you again, Carisi."

Likewise, he wants to say, but the words sticks to his throat and he only manages a rather feeble grin at the other man. Amaro gives him a strange look, but says nothing, as he pulls on his gloves and waves goodbye to the group, hopping into a taxi that will then take him to the airport.

Fin shrugs on his coat and bades everyone good night, muttering about still needing to get to the precinct by 8am tomorrow. The Lieutenant finishes up a call with her sitter, and takes her leave, and neither of them misses it when Barba slips his arm around her waist as they head off towards her apartment.

That leaves Amanda and Carisi standing outside the bar. He knows he should be going home, he, like Fin, has an early start tomorrow, but something is just eating at him, and it has everything to do with the woman standing in front of him.

"Walk you home?" He asked, in a casual way, as he buttons his coat.

She is frowning at her phone as she sends a quick text to her sitter. "Hmmm? Carisi, I live on the other end of the town to you."

"I don't mind. Could use a walk."

"If you insist." She shrugs and winds her scarf around her neck. The spring night is still a bit chilly sometimes.

* * *

Amanda keeps up a steady stream of chatter about work and Jesse as they walk, and Carisi notes that she is in an unusually sunny mood (he grins to himself, recalling the time he told the detective at Buffalo to call her "Detective Sunny"), and he wonders if it is because of Amaro.

He wonders if there's still _something_ between them. Feelings don't die as easily as one might wished for them to.

They reach Amanda's apartment sooner than he had hoped.

"Thanks for the walk, Carisi. I'd ask you to come in to say hi to Jesse, but it's late and she's probably asleep."

He knows that it is his cue to grin and say how it's okay in that aw-shucks way he has perfected, and say that he'll see her at the precinct tomorrow, but somehow, something totally different escapes him.

"How long was it before you started calling Amaro by his first name?"

She squints at him, confused, as she very well should be. "Huh?"

"Y'know…" He scuffs at the sidewalk with his shoe, suddenly feeling like an idiot, but he couldn't take back what he said. Besides, he _wanted_ to know. "He's 'Uncle Nick' to Jesse."

She's looking decidedly unimpressed now, as she crosses her arms and looks at him. "What are you talking about?"

"We've worked together for close to _two years_ now, Amanda, and you've never called me by anything other than my last name."

She blinks at him. "…No one else in the squad calls you anything else but your last name."

"But it's _them_ …" And even as he tries to argue, he knows that he is not getting his feelings across. But he genuinely does feel that things had been different between them. To the point that he can begin wondering, and thinking, about the possibility of _them_. Except for the fact that she still calls him by his last name. "Me and you…I mean, we hang out. I see you outside work hours. We talk outside work hours. We cook together. I see Jesse. I changed her diapers…"

"Carisi." She cuts him off. "Is there a point?"

"Yes! No! I mean, I don't know. Why can't you call me by my first name?"

"Because." She huffs. "No one else does. It's weird. I'm comfortable with calling you Carisi. It doesn't mean that we're not friends."

"But that does mean we can't be anything more than that." As soon as the words slip out, he fervently wishes he could take them back. Take them back, and perhaps perform some kind of mind erasing on Amanda. He doesn't mean for that to come out. Not at all.

But instead of looking taken aback, or shocked, or even angry, Amanda merely smiles. "Does it really mean that now, Carisi?"

Now it's his turn to look, and feel, confused. "Huh?"

"You're such a dumb nerd." She says, a tone of affection lacing her words. She takes a step closer to him, and puts her hands on his shoulders. Raising herself on her toes a little, she kisses him on the mouth.

He's too shocked to respond, and she pulls back after five seconds, grinning at him.

"Good night, Carisi."

"Amanda, wait." He grabs her arm, decidedly still a little confused. "Does that mean, I mean, do you…do we…?"

She rolls her eyes, and he thinks that she just looks especially adorable (not that he will _ever_ tell her that, he values his life way too much), so he pulls her to him, and kisses her thoroughly, and he is ecstatic when she responds just as enthusiastically, wrapping her arms around his waist, pressing herself closer to him.

"Still…" he manages, as they pull apart to catch their breaths. "…I really, really would like it if you can call me by my first name."

"If it means that much to you…"

"It does."

"Okay, fine, Sonny."

The name leaves her lips, and they look at each other for a moment. Amanda is the first to wince, and Carisi groans.

"Yeah…that sounds weird." He says sheepishly, sounding disappointed.

" _Totally_ weird." She affirms, tightening her arms around his waist as she grins.

"You'll grow into it. We'll grow into it." He tries to convince her.

She shrugs. "Maybe. We'll practise. But for now, you'll still be Carisi."

"I don't want to be just Carisi to you, though." He says, his eyes serious.

"Idiot." She murmurs, pulling him close for another kiss. "You'll never be _just_ Carisi to me."

 _end_

 **note:**  
1\. The whole last name-first name business between Rollins and Carisi is inspired (and blatantly stolen) from AvenuePotter's fanfiction, Backwards and Forwards.  
2\. Originally meant to be a drabble/short piece not exceeding 500 words (at maximum), but I just went on and on…  
3\. I know Rollins is usually a huge mess when it comes to relationships, but I don't feel like messing her around for this. Call it "artistic license".


End file.
